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Tourist Guide 101

The Scots make haggis from those intimate parts of animals which all other nations but the vultures throw away. Finding that they could sell all their guid meat at high profit to the English, they forced the remnant offal on their own stomachs, thus making a national delicacy out of an economic necessity. To perpetrate a haggis, you chop up a sheep’s entrails with onion, suet and oatmeal, mix with nutmeg, lemon-juice and stock, cram the resulting sad splodge into the animal’s paunch, stitch up and boil for three hours. The outcome is a sort of Offal Steamed Pudding, which looks like a pale castrated bagpipe, tastes like savoury cardboard, and is monstrously productive of the wind.

 
In addition to the haggis, the Scots exploitation of the sheep also brings pain to the rest of mankind with their Extraordinary Bagpipe Trauma. The bag is made out of a sheepskin, the pipes of cocoa wood and ivory, and the resultant sound is like a clarinet with strangulated hernia. Rabid though the Scots pretend to be about this painful ullulation, its instrument of emission was not of their Iinvention. Connoisseurs of musical arson will 'know that the bagpipes were introduced into Britain by the Romans as the tibia utricularis, which was the favourite instrument of Nero and likely the one he was playing when Rome frizzled, rather than the gentle violin. The bagpipes are today very popular among the medical profession in Scotland, probably because their operation is reminiscent of playing music on a set of human intestines.
 
extract © Paul Ryan 1977 by Kind Permission from Punch Scotland

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Created before 2012